Being the "favorite person," or "FP," of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can feel like standing at the edge of a cliff with the ground constantly crumbling beneath your feet. For people with BPD, their FP represents an emotional anchor and a source of stability in a world they often perceive as unpredictable and threatening. However, the intense emotional dependence they place on their FP can quickly turn from devotion to anger, idealization to devaluation, in a cycle that destabilizes both the person with BPD and those closest to them. For the FP, this can mean living in a constant state of upheaval, with potentially devastating consequences.

One FP, a man now separated from his ex who has BPD, describes his experience:

"I’m my ex’s FP, and we have a son. Being with her was hell. Now, my ex is trying to destroy my life, trying to alienate me from our son, destroy my business, take custody, force a relocation, force extraneous child support, false accusations, posts cherry-picked texts, smears my reputation, rages at me in front of our son…this is crazy. Being an FP is nothing to write home about."

His story captures just some of the turmoil many FPs face as they try to maintain their own lives amid the emotional chaos that BPD can bring.

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health condition characterized by intense emotional instability, fears of abandonment, and a distorted self-image, often leading to a pattern of unstable relationships. According to the DSM-5, BPD is defined by nine primary symptoms, five of which must be present for a diagnosis:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance with an unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging, such as spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, or binge eating.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior.

6. Emotional instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

The “Favorite Person” Dynamic in BPD Relationships

When someone with BPD designates another person as their “favorite person,” they rely heavily on them to meet their intense emotional needs. This designation can initially feel special, as the FP may receive an outpouring of affection, attention, and admiration. However, as the FP, they may also become the primary target for intense emotions, ranging from love and adoration to anger and resentment. This dynamic can become harmful, particularly in relationships that involve shared responsibilities, such as co-parenting.

In the example shared above, the individual’s ex-partner alternates between clinging to him emotionally and seeking to undermine his life. This "push-pull" dynamic is a hallmark of BPD relationships, where the FP may be seen as a savior one moment and an enemy the next. This instability stems from the pervasive fear of abandonment in individuals with BPD. The fear often triggers a cycle of idealizing the FP, then devaluing them if they do not meet impossible emotional expectations, leading to anger and retaliatory actions.

The Devastating Effects on Partners and Children

For partners, the role of FP can be mentally and emotionally draining, as they find themselves walking on eggshells to avoid triggering outbursts or accusations. As the FP tries to maintain stability, they may sacrifice their own needs, compromising their well-being. The partner in our example describes his life as "hell," illustrating the severe impact of constant emotional volatility and vindictiveness.

This dynamic becomes even more challenging when children are involved. Children in a BPD-parented household can become collateral damage in the storm. They may witness emotionally charged episodes, anger, or attempts to manipulate them against the other parent. In this case, the ex-partner is reportedly attempting to alienate their son from his father and engaging in public smearing, setting up a hostile and confusing environment for the child. Studies have shown that children raised in environments with BPD parents may struggle with their own mental health challenges, such as anxiety, depression, and difficulty in forming stable relationships.

How BPD Can Wreak Havoc on Family Dynamics

Beyond individual relationships, BPD can disrupt the broader family unit. Family members often feel the strain of being pulled into the person’s emotional whirlwind, facing difficult decisions regarding loyalty, boundaries, and support. False accusations, public outbursts, and attempts to recruit family and friends as allies in the emotional conflict can further strain familial bonds, leaving the FP and other family members in a state of perpetual crisis management.

The intense need for control, often manifested through legal battles, custody disputes, and smear campaigns, compounds the turmoil. The FP in this scenario is dealing with attempted alienation, financial manipulation, and public defamation, all of which can take a severe toll on mental health and personal stability. The unpredictability inherent in BPD means that those close to the person may never know when their words or actions will trigger a cycle of anger and retaliation, making it exceedingly difficult to maintain any semblance of a healthy relationship.

Splitting: "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" Is Abusive

One of the most painful and bewildering dynamics in a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder is splitting, or the all-or-nothing thinking that leads them to view people as either entirely good or entirely bad. In BPD relationships, the FP can go from being adored to despised, often within moments, as the person with BPD struggles to manage intense emotions of fear, anger, and insecurity. This cycle, often encapsulated in the sentiment, “I hate you, don’t leave me,” can become abusive, especially when it’s used to manipulate or control the FP.

Splitting is a defense mechanism that people with BPD use to protect themselves from perceived rejection or abandonment. When triggered, they may lash out at the FP, devaluing them, accusing them of betrayal, or even attempting to sabotage their life, all in an effort to shield themselves from the deep-seated fear of being abandoned. However, as they calm down, this intense negativity often flips, and the FP is once again viewed with desperate need and adoration. Here’s how this cycle can create an abusive environment:

• Emotional Whiplash: For the FP, these swings between love and hate are emotionally destabilizing. One moment, they’re a cherished lifeline; the next, they’re the source of all the BPD partner’s pain and anger. The constant shift creates a hostile environment where the FP may feel constantly on edge, anxious about triggering another outburst. Over time, this erodes their self-worth and sense of reality.

• Gaslighting Through Idealization and Devaluation: Splitting can feel like gaslighting, as the FP may question their role in the BPD partner’s shifting perceptions. They might begin to doubt their own experiences, wondering how they went from being “the best thing that ever happened” to “the cause of all the pain.” This manipulation can make FPs second-guess themselves, increasing their emotional vulnerability and dependency.

• Retaliation and Sabotage: When feeling “hated,” the person with BPD may lash out in ways that cross into abuse. This can include attempts to sabotage the FP’s work, family relationships, or even custody arrangements if children are involved. As one FP shared, his ex’s cycle of splitting led to false accusations, social media smears, and efforts to alienate their child, all as a form of retribution.

• Isolation and Dependency: The person with BPD often cycles between pushing their FP away and clinging to them intensely, making it hard for the FP to maintain outside support systems. They may alienate friends and family to appease their partner or because they are overwhelmed by the constant emotional demands of the relationship. This isolation fosters a dangerous dependency where the FP becomes enmeshed in the emotional chaos, trapped in the role of savior and target.

The phrase “I hate you, don’t leave me” may capture the inner turmoil of someone with BPD, but for the FP, it can feel like a traumatic cycle of abuse. The need to be both adored and despised, to be rejected and pursued, can wear down the FP’s mental health, leading them to question their reality and self-worth. Recognizing that splitting is a form of emotional abuse, not just an expression of pain, can be the first step toward breaking free and setting the boundaries necessary to protect oneself.

Finding a Path Forward: Self-Care and Boundaries

For FPs, the path to stability often requires setting firm boundaries and seeking support. Therapy can help individuals who have been in relationships with people with BPD to process trauma, establish boundaries, and navigate co-parenting challenges. Support groups for partners and family members of those with BPD can also provide understanding and strategies for coping with the unique challenges they face.

In cases where safety becomes a concern—either emotionally, mentally, or physically—legal interventions may be necessary to protect oneself and any children involved. While this can be a difficult decision, especially given the emotional depth of the relationship, it is sometimes essential for the FP to prioritize their own health and the well-being of their children.

Document, Document, Document

In relationships with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, documenting interactions is crucial—especially if children are involved or if there's an ongoing custody dispute. Keeping detailed records of all communications, incidents, and agreements can provide clarity and protect against manipulation or false accusations. Many people who find themselves in the "favorite person" role with a BPD partner or ex-partner learn the hard way how important documentation can be.

In the example above, the FP describes facing false accusations, public defamation, and attempts at parental alienation. Documentation can act as a safeguard in these situations, providing objective proof to counter unfounded claims. Here are some key areas to focus on:

• Communications: Save all text messages, emails, and social media interactions. Screen-capturing or downloading conversations can be essential, especially if messages are selectively deleted or altered later. Keep a running log of verbal interactions and details of any face-to-face encounters, particularly if heated exchanges occur in front of children.

• Incident Logs: Maintain a journal where you document incidents in real-time or as soon as possible after they occur. Note dates, times, locations, witnesses, and specific details about what happened. This is particularly valuable for instances where inappropriate behavior, such as verbal outbursts, occurs in the presence of your child.

• Custody & Parenting Agreements: Carefully track any changes, requests, or deviations from the agreed-upon parenting plan. If the other parent attempts to unilaterally modify the arrangement, such as demanding additional child support or trying to force a relocation, written records will be essential in family court proceedings.

• Public Disclosures and Defamation: If your ex-partner posts cherry-picked or misleading information publicly, take screenshots and archive these posts. Even if they are later deleted, these records can serve as evidence of defamation or attempts to harm your reputation.

• Legal Records: Documentation is indispensable if the situation reaches the courts. Judges and mediators often rely on factual records to discern patterns of behavior. Comprehensive documentation can make the difference between a credible case and one that seems like “he said, she said.”

Documenting may feel tedious, but for FPs in BPD relationships, it's more than just a precaution—it’s a lifeline. Reliable records not only protect you legally but also provide an emotional anchor, allowing you to clearly recall and process the reality of your experiences amidst the instability that BPD can bring into your life.

Final Thoughts

Being the favorite person of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder can be both an honor and a burden. The devotion and passion of someone with BPD are intense, but so are their fears, insecurities, and anger. FPs often find themselves on a roller coaster they never agreed to ride, as they are pulled into the relentless emotional cycles that define BPD relationships.

In the words of the man who shared his story, “Being an FP is nothing to write home about.” While the relationship may have been born out of connection and commitment, the experience of being the FP in a BPD relationship often leaves lasting scars. The best path forward is one of self-care, support, and understanding that, in the end, the only person you can truly save is yourself.

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